time to take control?

03 Sep, 2026

~ 5 minutes to read

I went to a women's circle for the first time recently, and one of the questions they asked the group that night was: what is something you need to let go of trying to control?

And in reflecting, I realized that in the past few years, I've really embraced not being in control.

I feel so laissez-faire, so que sera sera.

Which, don't get me wrong, feels nice. But reflecting on that question made me realize that I want to saddle the fuck up, take the reins, and be more in control.

But like, not in a bad way! I feel like I've been riding this year of the horse just enjoying the scenery, observing, feeling the wind on my face and learning to be grateful for the uncomfortable journey.

Maybe "control" isn't the word I'm really looking for. I am thinking that I want to feel more self-assured, more decisive, more aggressive (but like in a kind and compassionate way?).

I want to guide this horse that I'm feeling now comfortable with and thankful for, towards something I see in the distance. Not just ride around and that's that.

(aside: I don't know how to ride a horse really, this metaphor is very loose)

control of my messy home?

I think one way that I've already started trying to do this, take control, is that I started a Substack under a pen name where I write about cleaning and decluttering my house.

The other question they asked at the women's circle was: what's something you've been carrying by yourself?

And that was my answer. (Although I didn't share it.) That our home is a stressy mess and I feel that it's on my shoulders alone to take care of it. I started the Substack with the hopes that it'll help me clean persistently, and so far, for the past month, it has¹.

I also have a tiny bit of hope that I could monetize it somehow, and that would be really nice.

control of my work identity?

Another small way, I've taken hold of the reins. I wrote this out somewhere, but I don't remember where: an about me blurb that felt actually good.

flips through a couple notebooks

Okay, I found it, let's see if it still feels good:

Hi, I'm Sarah Joy. I'm an artist and community organizer. I write poetry and personal essays and make collages, art books, and zines. I am a co-organizer for Azn Zine Fest and also organize smaller events like collaborative art making workshops. I also work for my husband's business, Lost Productions PDX, doing admin and inventory management. (I also have a secret Substack where I share content around cleaning and taking care of my home.)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, okay, well I edited it a bit to add the community organizer parts. Listen, I really really really don't like writing about me blurbs. They feel so restrictive and reductive and make me feel so damn self-conscious. This one? Still makes me feel self-conscious, but I also feel excited about everything I list. I don't think this one is perfect, but when I read it, I feel giddy and motivated.

I read it and think - that's kinda a lot. Can I do all of that? Can I claim it? But the wild thing is that, none of those things are aspirational. They're all fucking things I've done. Holyyy shit.

Am I doing it???? Am I living my dream life???????

idk. sorry, i know i haven't written here for... quite some time. i feel a lil rusty. idk where this is going, or how to tie where i'm at now to the beginning, to the titular question.

how else do i want to take control?

i want to be more intentional with my relationships and my connections.

i want to be more intentional with my creative work and practice.

i want to move my body more.

i want to take better care of my financial health.

i want to have grit to do all the things i want to do.

i want to feel confident in my choices and direction and my ability to handle whatever comes.

i want to listen to, hear, and act in honor of my inner wisdom.

that's what i mean by take control. to take action. i know i can't control anything except myself. i (maybe) (finally) know that i can take action, almost any action, in the directions i want to go in, and be fine no matter the result.

i can host an event and have 2 people show up and be fine.

i can make a suggestion in a group and be shot down or ignored and be fine.

and of course, the positive things, too

i can bring up an idea with a stranger and be met with excitement and a willingness to help (and be fine).

i can host an event and it go really well (and be fine).

time to take action

lmao, i swear i've been here before. what's different this time silly ol' me? oh idk, maybe that i'm a few months from turning thirtyfuckingfive and for some reason that feels like a true adult age. so like, it's really really really time to get our shit together, thanks.

also, like i just outlined above: i have learned that i can do things and be fine regardless of outcome. so, like, let's do more of the things we wanna do!!!!!! pls, thank you! make more art! sell more art! write more! share more writing! collaborate more!!! host more communal creating events!! help your husband make more money and organize all of his stuff!!!

it feels good to type in this bear blog editor again. i'll be back with more random reflections, and maybe restart my weekly worklog collages again, too. or maybe make them monthly. idk, but i've been away from them long enough that i'm starting to feel their pull again and it feels nice.

thanks for contemplating my life with me. i hope you're in a good place

• Written: 02 Sept, 2026
• Published: 03 Sep, 2026
• Last updated: 13 hours, 50 minutes ago
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#reflecting